Six Months

Tomorrow marks six months. 

6 months since the last time I kissed Keven good night. 6 months since the last time I got to enjoy his cuddles and hug him. 6 months since Keven was the last thing I saw before I went to sleep at night, the face that woke me from my dreams throughout the night, and the face that greeted my eyes when I awoke each morning. 

I think I tried to pretend that everything was okay. I was sad, obviously, but I willed myself to move on to the next phase of life. I got to spend so much more time with the rest of my kids again and we even welcomed two new kids into our house. Things were going great…until they weren’t.

Newsflash! Losing a child is hard. It sucks. It’s something I never ever wish on anyone. It’s not natural and it takes time to deal with it. It took me a couple of months to realize this and then a couple of more months to fully accept it.

Once I realized it I had a lot to sort through. I tried to start journaling (something I hadn’t done much of for a while), but there were so many days that I held a pen in my hand and stared at the blank pages until I was too overwhelmed and fell asleep. It wasn’t until about a month ago that I was able to put things on paper. After re-reading these words I felt like there was a lot that maybe I should share. 

So, to celebrate Keven’s life I’m going to share pieces of my journals written while he was sick and then more recently. It is easy to share the good things that happen, but so hard to share the hard things. My goal in doing this is to be transparent and share some of the things that we often keep to ourselves. I hope it helps someone else who may be in a hard place to know they aren’t alone or to learn that there is hope (not all the posts may reflect that because at times I have struggled to remember that, but hopefully collectively they do). I also truly hope that this series allows you to see a different picture of life here, to learn new ways to pray for us, and to share in not only our joys but also our trials. 

Keven came to live with us when he was about two years old. He was very malnourished and we thought if we could get him healthy again he would do well. We soon learned it would be hard to keep his weight on and that he had more challenges than just malnutrition. 

He worked so hard and learned to hold his head up well. For really short bits of time he could sit on his own and he would even reach for toys while supporting himself. His smile was always present and he would always be so observant and watch everything that went on around him. 

Simply looking into his eyes revealed a deep love for those around him and the joy he experienced in life was evident in his big smile that spread from ear to ear.

To start off, I’ll re-share this blog I wrote in early November. It is an overview of Keven’s sick days from April-early November.

I didn’t share the details of this journey with a lot of people because I wasn’t quite sure how. I want to thank those of you who I did share with for listening, praying, and loving. I want to send a special shout out to Courtney and Carla who were there every step of the way when I reached out to you or when you just came to check in on us. I honestly don’t know how I would have made it through this journey without you two. Also, thank you Carla for editing this series of blogs for me and making them sound better.

Would you please pray for me as I continue to learn how to process Keven’s death and honor his life?

To read the next blog in the series click Just a Fever

*Children of the Promise has given explicit permission for the posting of photos on this site. Photos taken of children in the care of Children of the Promise are not to be posted publicly without explicit permission given by Children of the Promise.