Home from the Hospital

If you missed the previous blog, click Just a Fever

Keven came home from the hospital today. I was really excited—until we got home and he threw up everything we gave him and got a fever. Basically it seems like he is back in the same position as he was before he went to Milot. I just wish he’d get better. He’s staying in my room for now—I’ll get up in the night to check on him and try to get more fluids/mamba in him. He needs more than he is getting, but right now I’m stopping as soon as he starts gagging. I want so much to be successful - for him to get better and gain weight. God, I’m going to need your help to get through this. I’m going to need you to be my rest and my strength. I’m going to need you to help me be who Keven needs and who the rest of the kids need me to be. It’s hard, but I want to do it for them. God, the quicker you heal Keven the better, please? 

For the next month my journal entries repeat the same theme. 

“I’m exhausted.”

“I want him to get better.”

“I want him to gain weight.”

“I wish love, cuddles, and kisses could heal him.”

“Keven is so worth it.”

And Keven was so worth it. Every moment I spent with him and every sleepless night. 

We put an NG tube in Keven and he was able to tolerate feeds better most of the time, but we still had to feed him every 2-4 hours. Some nights went well and others were challenging. Some journal entries I questioned how long I could physically and emotionally care for Keven. 

Last night was rough. Keven has lost weight, he sleeps more, he’s diarrhea-ing and vomiting more, but he’s also getting more active so I don’t know if he’s getting better or worse. I finally let myself cry last night. I hate that we can’t make him better. I hate that his little body is still suffering. I hate that we don’t know how long this will go on. I hate so much that we can’t help him more. I don’t like feeling helpless. I just want him to get better. God, please heal him. I hate watching him in the same condition day in and day out. I hate vomit. I hate diarrhea. I hate that he still isn’t gaining weight. I hate whatever sickness he’s fighting inside of him. God, I love Keven and just as much as I don’t know how much longer his little body can be like this, I don’t know how much longer I can watch his little body go through this. It’s becoming too painful. I can’t give up on him, I can’t stop loving him…In all these things I hate, you know what I love? I love Keven cuddles. Those are such special times and I never want them to end. I just want him to get better. 

Keven probably had his worst night ever Saturday night. He was getting feeds every two hours but still threw up every time. It was horrible to see him so miserable. He’s still on feeds every two hours, but we did only serum for two days and started half serum half F-100 this afternoon. He seems to be tolerating it, but I think his little tummy hurts. Every time he moves around he cries out in pain. Poor guy.

During this time I had gotten an e-mail with a line that said “It sounds like you fall in the place of thinking both “I will never stop fighting for him” and “I don’t want him to continue suffering.”’ This explained my thoughts and feelings so well. Keven was so worth fighting for. 

Keven was always keeping us on our toes. Somedays were good and some weren’t. Towards the end of June he finally started to gain weight and got back to his pre-hospital weight. June 18th, he laughed—like a genuine belly laugh. We had never heard that noise from him, but it was so welcome. That simple noise of a three year who has been through so much, laughing, filled me with so much joy.

I didn’t realize until someone pointed out to me recently what that laugh symbolizes. Keven was sick, but he felt comfortable and loved. His laughter was the best thanks that I could have ever received from him. 

He continued to get better and worse, but there were usually more good days than bad days. He gained weight and broke his all time high record. It was June and he was doing so well, at least for now…

Check out the next blog in this series And Then He got Worse

*Children of the Promise has given explicit permission for the posting of photos on this site. Photos taken of children in the care of Children of the Promise are not to be posted publicly without explicit permission given by Children of the Promise.  


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