Struggles and Other Ramblings

Each team that comes through has a time at night where they come up with a word that describes their day. Even if I don't participate in that sharing time I like to come up with a word to help me process my thoughts. Today, as I was coming up with my word I was struggling and decided that was my word.

Life has its own set of struggles for anyone and they are different for each and every person.

Here is what I'm struggling with right now.

I struggle with remembering that life here isn't "normal" (what does normal even mean?) because it is what I see every day.

I struggle with knowing if what I'm doing is really making a difference.

I struggle with being asked everytime I go anywhere for things as simple as food or a pair of shoes.

I struggle with wanting to give these items away because of the beautiful eyes staring at me asking for them, but knowing I can't.

I struggle with knowing the fine line between handing out and handing up.

I struggle with pinpointing showing God's love and giving too much or ignoring because I know I can't be everything for everyone.

I struggle with learning Creole when I study until my brain cannot consume anymore (I'm learning, but I desire so badly to be fluent, which takes time, that I feel like I'm not learning).

I struggle with wanting to know what it is like to really live as a Haitian lives.

I struggle with loving on kids in orphanages and leaving them behind.

I struggle with the fact that these kids don't have parents and cannot recieve that individual love and care we all desire.

I struggle with loving on kids in Cite Soliel, Titanyen, or on the streets of Port-au-Prince and leaving them behind knowing that they may not know when their next meal will be, knowing they will sleep on the floor that night, knowing they may never get to go to school, knowing they get very little water, and knowing they have no electricity or running water.

I struggle with knowing I need to do more and waiting for God to reveal to me what that is.

I struggle with relating the Haitian people because I have no idea what their lives are like.

I struggle coming back to electricity, food, and internet access after spending the day with the kids I mentioned before, knowing they all desire these simple things I take forgranted all too often.

I struggle with wondering if I'm being the best example I can be for God.

I struggle with wondering if my heart is truely breaking for what breaks God's heart.

I struggle with wondering if my compassion is even anywhere close to the compassion that God has for His people.

I struggle with taking time and processing thoughts as often as I should.

I struggle with masking the children's daily struggles with the joy and smiles I see them give.

I struggle with knowing I can book a plane ticket at any needed time and go back to the world of comfort and me, me, me, when these people have no opportunity to do so.

I struggle with depending on God for every ounce of strength I need.

I struggle with seeking God for every step I take, action I do, or decision I make no matter how big or small.

I struggle with wondering if I am doing my best each and every moment of my life.

I struggle with not having a constant community of friends (but I'm finding some new ones).

I struggle with not seeking God's face as often as I should.

I struggle with figuring out my emotions, thoughts, and feelings.

I struggle with taking the time to do this and let them process.

I struggle with missing my nephew and the rest of my family.

I struggle with loving kids and knowing I may never see them again (even though I hope I do).

So, now I am left to deal with my struggles. Like I said before, no one is exempt from struggles. I don't expect to know all the answers, but I'd like to get a little bit of clarification. I'd like to better understand my role down here. I want to know enough Creole to really get to know the Haitian people. Its not right to expect them to speak my language when I'm living in their country.

I'm learing what its like to be in constant prayer and to rely on God for every ounce of strenght needed. It is amazing what He can do and accomplish when I'm successful in this. I guess as I seek God's face more and more and ask Him for the guidence I need for every step, action, and decision I will be able to do more of what I am supposed to be doing here. God has a specific purpose for my life here in Haiti. Am I letting it be fulfilled completely or only when its convienient to me? My hope and prayer is that it is the first rather than the latter.

As I write this, tears are stinging my eyes picturing the faces of the children in Cite Soliel who so desperately want touch and love. Thinking about their living conditions but overshadowing that with the joy I see on their faces brings a roller coaster of emotions within seconds of each other. Going to Grace Village and hearing the kids sing "Take my life and let it be all for you and for your glory" while being left without parents brings tears to my eyes as well.

Haitians are incredible people. I am so blessed to live here. I'm blessed to be able to interact with so many so often. I don't think a day goes by that I don't thank God for giving me this opportunity to live here and love on these people. I would have never dreamed or desired this life for me, but I am so glad that God writes the story of my life and not me.

I struggle with these things, but I don't have to worry about what I wear, how my make up looks, even how my hair looks (I barely use a mirror). I don't have to worry about being on time for this or that, I don't have to run around and do this errand or that errand. I don't have to take kids to this practice and that game. I don't have to worry about many things that people in America worry about. I get to love and serve everyday, every moment of my life. I would take this over anything. Sometimes I do wish I had some of the luxiuries of America, warm showers, air conditioning, ease of transportation, drive throughs, malls, etc. But I wouldn't trade my life for anything.

As I work through these struggles I will grow. I will be more beneficial to the people of Haiti, I will be more in love with my Saviour, and I will be more prepared to love on the people of Haiti in the ways they best need to be. Working thought struggles of balancing life in America may give you a mom of the year award, but I'd rather love on babies that are dying, love on children who are hungary, love on children who have no parents, employ people so they can keep their children, serve the American teams that come down here to serve, and fall flat on my face in front of God daily. The business of life in America makes us unable to see what is really most important in life. Its not things, its God. Living here has made me realize how amazing God is when He is your everything (as many Haitian people see Him) and not just another part of your life as we tend to make Him in America.

So, these are just some ramblings from the heart of Tori Rayle. I hope something in all this randomness spoke to you today. Thanks for reading!