First Birthday in Heaven

I made a cake today.

It wasn’t the most complicated cake I’ve made, but it was the fanciest. 

It was for a birthday, but the guest of honor was missing. 

I didn’t get to come out of my room this morning to find him and tell him Happy Birthday while giving a big hug and a kiss. He didn’t get to open any gifts. 

He was gone. He is no longer mine. 

Jeffter should have turned 8 today. So crazy the tiny malnourished three year old placed in my care would be that old—Instead, he is forever seven. 

He’s been gone for 9 and a half months already. Somedays it feels like it has been years and I have to think really hard about how his smile looked, his laugh sounded, and how he felt in my arms. Other days it seems like just the other day as all the memories come flooding through my mind.

As I thought about how I wanted to remember him I mostly just felt like smashing cake. 

Its not fair that he isn’t still here. Its not fair that he never got to know a forever family on this earth. Its not fair he had to fight so hard and struggle so much in the end. Its not fair we had to bury his body in the ground. Its not fair we don’t get to hug him everyday.

But, I also wanted to honor him and who he was. I decided he deserved a well planned out cake, just like he would have had if he were still here. 

As I made the cake and worked hard to make each part right I wished he was here. I thought about how I often had to work so hard to make each piece right for him…

-How much formula or food he could get at a time through the pump—needing to get enough calories but keeping it low enough that he could tolerate it.

-What angle to position him at night—enough that would help him keep food down but not too high that he would slide down.

-When to give him medicine for fevers or when to just wait and see if his body would naturally fight whatever his always occurring mystery fevers.

-When to fight for better healthcare for him and when to just let it be.

-When to time give medicines to not disrupt feeds or give him too much at a time.

I wished just once more I could stress about all the aspects of his care because that would mean he was still here with us. 

As we enjoyed a slice of the cake we talked about how the cake he got to eat today is probably way better. And how he is actually able to eat and enjoy food now. I can only imagine how amazing of a party he had today. 

Then I smashed the cake to pieces. 

It made me think about how beautiful of a creation God made in Jeffter and how his life was taken away. I thought about how hard he and I and others worked to keep him healthy and help him thrive but its like we got smashed at the end. 

It felt really good to smash that cake. I wanted to do it way more aggressively but I also didn’t want to waste the cake—its still a cake even if it is crumbly, right? Its frustrating how hard we worked just to have to say goodbye in the end. Its sad he isn’t here today so we could celebrate together. It just sucks. 

As I cleaned up the cake splatters that went everywhere I wished I could be cleaning up his messes. They weren’t fun when he was alive, but cleaning him up means he was still here with us. 

Jeffter was so loved. Jeffter was so valued. Jeffter was worth a fancy cake. Jeffter is so missed.

Happy First Birthday in Heaven, Jeffter!