Christmas With Missing Pieces


Today I am missing my kids who no longer live here.

I'm missing J's cuddles
A's head butts
D's ear rubs
B's silliness
E's personality
A's sweet caring nature
J's laughter
K's "hugs"
W's ability to make everyone laugh and
 J's singing
I'm missing all of these in each one of them and so much more.

In the almost five years I've been a houseparent we haven't had the same group of kids for Christmas any of the years. This year alone three kids I celebrated Christmas with are no longer here and I have three new children in my house.

I love that we have had such an open door.
I love that the kids I have loved dearly have gotten to go live with their new families.
I love that kids going to their families mean I could open my heart a little wider for another child--a love that is the same but so very different each time.
I love that I have called 16 kids mine for a time.

But, at the same time, its hard. 

The kids miss out on what little stability they could have here.
Two of my kids still here have had to experience all of these goodbyes too.
Its not natural to have your kids here one Christmas and not the next.

For J and K, today I wonder what it is like to get to celebrate Jesus' birthday with Jesus himself. I wonder how beautiful the party is. How amazing will it be to get to just be in his presence? I can only imagine how amazing of a Christmas my boys having this year. I don't get to see pictures of them decorating the tree or posing with their families. I don't get to hear about their school parties or see a video of their first time in the snow. But then, I'm reminded about how much more wonderful heaven is than being here on earth.

For the rest, even though it is hard, I rejoice that God has united them with their families. I love seeing them celebrating Christmas with their new families, learning about new traditions, and creating new, lasting memories. I smile each time I see them enjoying life with their new families. This is what we have prayed for. 

My family does not look like I ever planned it to. It does not look like very many other families. But, it is mine. I have extended family I never would have known had I not gotten to love their children for a time before they could have them home. I have children who need me in ways that I never would have dreamed of. I have learned to love in ways I never knew existed. I have fought for things I never knew I needed someone to fight for. This life is a weird one, but I'm so thankful for it.

Now, I'm going to go continue celebrating Christmas with my kids who I have here. I will love them, hug them, and cherish them for as long as they are mine. 

                                               Christmases Past and Present


Before I moved in with them, I knew these kids were going to be mine. This isn't from Christmas, but this was who I celebrated Christmas 2015 with. 

We didn't take a family picture at the beginning of December of 2016 because K was so sick, between the picture with 10 kids and Christmas Day 2016, four of these kids were no longer living here. 

Christmas 2017


Christmas 2018

Christmas 2019


Christmas 2020

Children of the Promise has given explicit permission for the posting of photos on this site. Photos taken of children in the care of Children of the Promise are not to be posted publicly without explicit permission given by Children of the Promise. 

Merry Christmas From My Crazy Family!





Comments

  1. Kris ThedeDecember 26, 2020 at 7:06 AM

    Thank you for sharing your heart Toni. We work hard in our family to express the whole range of feelings that can fill one's heart and day. We know it is hard work to even just let ourselves feel the range but even more bravery is needed to share with others. Praying for you. Rest in His courage and strength. May the Lord flood you with patience, hope, joy, and His love in 2021. Kris

    ReplyDelete

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

All I Really Want For Christmas

Image
My mom recently asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I paused for a moment to think and the only thing I could say was families for our kids. Sure I could think of things that I cannot buy here and would appreciate, but none of them compare to knowing that our children have a family anticipating the day they can come spend the rest of their lives with their forever family. Most of us can think back to our childhood and remember distinct memories of family. How happy it made us when dad came home from work How going out to dinner with the family was a special occasion Fighting with our siblings Playing games Going shopping with mom Building things with dad Tickle fests Spending nights at grandma’s house Getting spoiled by grandparents Big family get togethers Parents attending sporting events, musical productions, or awards ceremonies And so much more… As an adult I have parents I can call for advice or lean on if I’m in a h
Read more

Two Worlds of Medical Care

Image
They asked me to compare   but how do you say what is the same between an apple and a lion A goat and a tarantula A yellow school bus and a purple daisy You just can’t There’s a world where basic medical care is a privilege   One that may always be just out of your reach Begging friends to borrow just $10 for medicine you need Or spending a whole month’s salary on your loved one’s hospital stay There’s a world where mamas and their newborn babies cannot leave the hospital premises until they pay for the services but their beds are given to other patients as soon as they are medically able to discharge One where if you can’t pay for oxygen, you don’t get it Every lab, test, and consult adds up and you no longer have what you need to feed your family Do we get medicine this month or do we feed our babies? There is a world where   going to the emergency room means entering a room full of 20 beds Where people may wait all weekend just for a simple test Sometimes those urgent situations hav
Read more

A little bit of a lot --Haiti thoughts, A Water Truck Run, How lucky I am, and Encouragement

Image
When people ask “How is Haiti?” I look at them and reply, “It’s incredible.” Not because it’s so much fun, not because it’s so nice here, not because I feel safe to do anything I want to, not because of any normal reasons. It’s incredible because it has stolen my heart. I have fallen in love with the beautiful children, I’ve fallen in love with the simplicity of life, I’ve fallen in love with the people I get to interact with. The country of Haiti is not incredible in and of itself, it’s the people that live here that make the country incredible. Haiti is full of poverty that no human should ever have to endure. People living in less than tents, people with nowhere to lay their heads at night, people who live with bugs flying and crawling around them all the time, people with no electricity or running water; but yet they endure. They don’t know what they don’t have. They have adapted to how they live and are truly survivors. Each and every person I have met here has impressed me in som
Read more