Dear 20 Year Old Self

Dear 20 year old self,

You’ve lived a good life so far. You have served in many capacities, you’ve listened to where you may have been called to, you love well. You’ve made a few mistakes, but you need to remember that those were just learning blocks and not the end of the world.

You are typically quiet, but that is mostly because you don’t feel like people want to hear what you have to say. They do. You are important and have stories people need to hear. You’ll even stand in front of churches and groups to share about your life. Sounds weird, huh? It seems easier for you to take the big steps of faith than the tiny everyday ones. Don’t be afraid of those, they lead to big things or might not seem big to you but mean a whole lot to someone else. Keep reading your Bible and learn more about God everyday, he has a lot to say and will lead you wherever you go. Stay loyal, even if you move away from people make an effort to keep relationships going. People do still care about you. Stay silly and weird. Never ever be afraid to be you.

You feel like you’ve had to do some hard things already and you have. But, the really cool thing is, those have just been preparing you for what this next decade has for you. Pretty soon you’ll move across the country and gain a second family. Crazy, right? So far you haven’t lived with anyone other than your immediate family members and you’ve lived in the same state. You’ll grow to love three girls more than you knew was possible and you’ll overcome home sicknesses. You will meet so many great people in Texas and Georgia. Befriend them, invest in them, and do not be afraid to strike up a conversation. Not everyone will be your good friend, but you won’t have any if you don’t make an effort. People are interested in what you have to say. Be there for others, but also don’t forget to love yourself as much as you love other people. You matter too.

It will seem so hard to live so far away from your family, but this is only preparing you for the amazing plans God has for your life. You will move to Haiti. I know, right? I wouldn’t have believed it if I read this letter at 20 either (although it might have made a lot of things easier). You actually will spend the rest of your 20s there. Haiti will feel more like home than anywhere in the US will. Haiti will be the best move you ever make, but it will also be your hardest. Over and over again you will be reminded of how true that is. Each time, seek God. Seek his encouragement and find people who will encourage you when its too hard to stop and listen to God’s.

Right now, you are going to school to be a social worker. You think you’ll get a degree in that, become a social worker, marry someone, have kids, live the typical American life. God has so much more in store for you. In ten years you still won’t have a degree or a husband, but you will still hope to have both one day. You won’t have kids like you are imagining right now either, but God will gift you 13 precious children to call your own for a time. You will pour every ounce of your love into them and then even more and each time you say goodbye, they’ll take a huge chunk of your heart with them. There will be so many other precious littles you will get to invest in and they will share a special piece of your heart too. When you turn 30 you will be counting down the years for five more years until you are old enough to adopt from Haiti. You’ll change your mind and want to be an occupational therapist for several years. As you approach your 30s your new plan if you ever leave Haiti is to become a child life specialist, but a pediatric occupational therapist or social worker are not out of the question. You will have already learned so much about children with special needs and get to oversee a therapy program. Some diagnosis will become a part of your vocabulary and you’ll be a mom to three kids with very complex special needs-medically and physically. Child trauma you never had to know existed will be at the forefront of your brain because you will see so much first hand.

You will say goodbye to people you have poured so much of your life into more times than you will want to count. Sometimes you might receive post communication and get to continue to watch them grow up from afar and sometimes that won’t be possible. You’ll attend child funerals (yes, those exist, you’ve been lucky to not have to be so close to any of those yet). In fact, they won’t feel that weird to you. They’ll suck every time, but they will be expected. You’ll get to play a part in nursing malnourished children back to health. You will see so many first smiles and laughs after being so sick and those will keep you going. In addition to being a mom, you’ll be a teacher, learn a lot about nursing, oversee a therapy program, help start a therapy outreach program, run a sewing/job creation ministry, and fill in so many smaller roles.

You will gain anxieties, some really hard and deep anxieties, and learn first hand what depression is. You will live some of your hardest days of your life. Many days you will not want to get out of bed or function at all. But know, you will get through it all. You’ll meet some amazing people who will love you through your lowest points, pray for you, and encourage you in ways you didn’t even know you needed. These people and God will never leave your side. You and God will have some arguments and you’ll question everything you thought you knew about God. That is okay. Yell at God, ask him what is on your mind, seek counsel from people who know more than you or who have been through this before. God will still be there, loving you just the same as before. Don’t be ashamed of going to counseling. Counseling will be something that helps you get back to being able to do life and once you can do that counseling will help you to be able to continue to do that. It’ll take thousands of your dollars, but it will be worth it. Talk to others about how you are feeling, you’ll learn you are not alone.

You will learn a second language and be able to hold conversations about all kinds of things in Creole. Learning that language will be hard for you, you will want to give up so many times. But don’t, you will get through that too. Again some amazing people will help you learn and sometimes you will even think in that foreign language you never thought you’d be able to learn. You’ll also learn how to navigate the medical system in a third world country and even fight with doctors and nurses in that second language at the hospital for the best care for your children.

Tori, I think the best part of your 20s is you will learn that you are a person too. You matter just as much as the kids you love fiercely. You matter just as much as the people you serve. You matter just as much as everyone else. This will still be a struggle when you get to 30, but you will have made huge strides. Never forget whose you are. Pray daily for you to see yourself as God sees you.

These next ten years will be a roller coaster of adventures, emotions, and growth. Hang on for the ride, its all worth it. It will be hard, but when you get through it, you won’t want to trade any of it for anything. By the time you reach 30 you will know so many people from so many different places and they will be living in so many more places. This can definitely be exhausting at times, but it is so amazing to think about how you fit into each of these people’s stories and how they fit into yours. If the first 20 years of your life prepared you for your third decade of life, I can’t wait to see what God will do with you in the future.

                                                                                                                  -Your newly 30 year old self