Tori's Stories

Good Friday Words that have been familiar to me for all of my life.   Words that have meant different things to me as I’ve passed through life.   Jesus died.   He died for me.   He died for you.   Our sins put him on the cross.   He willingly and lovingly allowed himself to hang there. Being ridiculed, spat at, and in unimaginable pain.   He suffered.   All because he loves us.   When I was younger, I didn’t really focus on how much of a sacrifice that was because I knew he came back to life three days later. I never thought about what a sacrifice God gave us by sending his son who he loved so much to do this for us.   My boys (Keven and Jeffter) in no way suffered as much as Jesus did, but the last monthish of their lives they really did suffer. Their bodies rejected any nourishment they were given, breathing was a struggle, and they both basically just wasted away little by little until their bodies couldn’t even handle a heart beating...

I made a cake today. It wasn’t the most complicated cake I’ve made, but it was the fanciest.   It was for a birthday, but the guest of honor was missing.   I didn’t get to come out of my room this morning to find him and tell him Happy Birthday while giving a big hug and a kiss. He didn’t get to open any gifts.   He was gone. He is no longer mine.   Jeffter should have turned 8 today. So crazy the tiny malnourished three year old placed in my care would be that old—Instead, he is forever seven.   He’s been gone for 9 and a half months already. Somedays it feels like it has been years and I have to think really hard about how his smile looked, his laugh sounded, and how he felt in my arms. Other days it seems like just the other day as all the memories come flooding through my mind. As I thought about how I wanted to remember him I mostly just felt like smashing cake.   Its not fair that he isn’t still here. Its not fair that he never got to know a forever f...

Dear Little One, It's here. The day we have been praying for since we met you. Tomorrow your parents arrive and you will begin your new life with them. We've talked about what will happen and I feel like you are as prepared as you can be, but you really don't know what it will be like. We will miss you so much here. It's so hard to put you to bed knowing this will be one of the last times I get to be the one who does this. I cherish this so much and will hold you a little longer tonight. Okay, I'll hold you until you fall asleep because I know so soon I'll hug you for the last time for who knows how long. I'm so excited for you, really. Ecstatic. I know your parents love you dearly. I know your siblings are so eager to get you home. I know you have a room and so many new toys and clothes waiting for you. I know this is God's redemption plan for your life. I know this family is the perfect one for you. These next few days will be hard. We will probably al...

Today I am missing my kids who no longer live here. I'm missing J's cuddles A's head butts D's ear rubs B's silliness E's personality A's sweet caring nature J's laughter K's "hugs" W's ability to make everyone laugh and  J's singing I'm missing all of these in each one of them and so much more. In the almost five years I've been a houseparent we haven't had the same group of kids for Christmas any of the years. This year alone three kids I celebrated Christmas with are no longer here and I have three new children in my house. I love that we have had such an open door. I love that the kids I have loved dearly have gotten to go live with their new families. I love that kids going to their families mean I could open my heart a little wider for another child--a love that is the same but so very different each time. I love that I have called 16 kids mine for a time. But, at the same time, its hard.  The kids miss out on what...

Getting to lo ve a child until their last breath (and beyond) is more beautiful than one can imagine. Yes, it is painful, hard, and something I don’t wish on anyone, but the honor of getting to be someone’s person right up until the end is a huge privilege.   Even though I knew  him l onger, I only got to be Keven’s person for about 10 mo nths. I got to be Jeffter’s person for a little over three and a half years.   Many times I  have questi on ed “If de ath was the end,  then why did we have t o fight so hard so many times?” In the last six months of Keven’s life he spent a couple weeks in the hospital and his health was up and down once he returned home. We were sure he was going to die once, but he got better before his last sickness. In Jeffter’s last three years of life he was hospitalized three times, had four or five stays in our nurse’s room here (basically the equivalent of being hospitalized), had two surgeries, and had multiple sicknesses and scares w...