Tori's Stories

They asked me to compare   but how do you say what is the same between an apple and a lion A goat and a tarantula A yellow school bus and a purple daisy You just can’t There’s a world where basic medical care is a privilege   One that may always be just out of your reach Begging friends to borrow just $10 for medicine you need Or spending a whole month’s salary on your loved one’s hospital stay There’s a world where mamas and their newborn babies cannot leave the hospital premises until they pay for the services but their beds are given to other patients as soon as they are medically able to discharge One where if you can’t pay for oxygen, you don’t get it Every lab, test, and consult adds up and you no longer have what you need to feed your family Do we get medicine this month or do we feed our babies? There is a world where   going to the emergency room means entering a room full of 20 beds Where people may wait all weekend just for a simple test Sometimes those urgent ...

6-29-2022 Dear Jeffter, One year, ten months, and five days you have been gone. I miss you. It’s been almost two years and I still have trouble wrapping my head around it. I miss your big smile and cheerful laughter. I miss cuddling with you and reading books. I miss watching your fevers and doing everything we could to keep them down. I miss drawing up so many different medicines to do what I could to help you. I miss troubleshooting how much, how often, and what we could feed you. I miss fighting with the feeding pump. I miss pushing two chairs to school to take you and Mathilde there. I miss those times when you were crying and we didn’t really know what was wrong and I crawled in your bed and held you until you went to sleep in some sort of awkward position you felt comfortable in. I miss giving you head rubs. I miss the way your eyes lit up when you were truly happy. I miss your hugs. I miss getting frustrated by the lack of answers as we sought to help you. I miss the hours upon ...

Good Friday Words that have been familiar to me for all of my life.   Words that have meant different things to me as I’ve passed through life.   Jesus died.   He died for me.   He died for you.   Our sins put him on the cross.   He willingly and lovingly allowed himself to hang there. Being ridiculed, spat at, and in unimaginable pain.   He suffered.   All because he loves us.   When I was younger, I didn’t really focus on how much of a sacrifice that was because I knew he came back to life three days later. I never thought about what a sacrifice God gave us by sending his son who he loved so much to do this for us.   My boys (Keven and Jeffter) in no way suffered as much as Jesus did, but the last monthish of their lives they really did suffer. Their bodies rejected any nourishment they were given, breathing was a struggle, and they both basically just wasted away little by little until their bodies couldn’t even handle a heart beating...

I made a cake today. It wasn’t the most complicated cake I’ve made, but it was the fanciest.   It was for a birthday, but the guest of honor was missing.   I didn’t get to come out of my room this morning to find him and tell him Happy Birthday while giving a big hug and a kiss. He didn’t get to open any gifts.   He was gone. He is no longer mine.   Jeffter should have turned 8 today. So crazy the tiny malnourished three year old placed in my care would be that old—Instead, he is forever seven.   He’s been gone for 9 and a half months already. Somedays it feels like it has been years and I have to think really hard about how his smile looked, his laugh sounded, and how he felt in my arms. Other days it seems like just the other day as all the memories come flooding through my mind. As I thought about how I wanted to remember him I mostly just felt like smashing cake.   Its not fair that he isn’t still here. Its not fair that he never got to know a forever f...

Dear Little One, It's here. The day we have been praying for since we met you. Tomorrow your parents arrive and you will begin your new life with them. We've talked about what will happen and I feel like you are as prepared as you can be, but you really don't know what it will be like. We will miss you so much here. It's so hard to put you to bed knowing this will be one of the last times I get to be the one who does this. I cherish this so much and will hold you a little longer tonight. Okay, I'll hold you until you fall asleep because I know so soon I'll hug you for the last time for who knows how long. I'm so excited for you, really. Ecstatic. I know your parents love you dearly. I know your siblings are so eager to get you home. I know you have a room and so many new toys and clothes waiting for you. I know this is God's redemption plan for your life. I know this family is the perfect one for you. These next few days will be hard. We will probably al...